L-Space

Bellydance...

2006-07-01T18:07:00.000-04:00

robyn&lisa
Originally uploaded by Mysterious42.

Survived the show! Here's a pix of me and my friend Robyn in full regalia.

Dad & Daughter....

2006-07-01T18:06:00.000-04:00

surreal
Originally uploaded by Mysterious42.

Here's my girl with her Daddy again. No one makes her happier!

Punk Rock Bathtime

2006-06-08T11:45:00.000-04:00

punkrockbathtime
Originally uploaded by Mysterious42.

Inspired to post after a long hiatus. Funny how a random comment from someone on a blog posted almost 10 months ago can get the brain going. Reminds me that there is a whole world out there. So here is my beautiful girl, now over a year old, enjoying her bath. She grows ever more amazing. She RUNS (not walks) everywhere and currently has a black eye to show for it (she ran head-long into a book shelf!). She likes to hold the guitar pick and strum Daddy's electric guitar. She sings and dances. She is a world of joy. And very exhausting! I'm a bit fearful of what she is going to be like at age two. She goes to swiming lessons every Saturday (hence, her love of water) and Daddy swears he's gonna take her out on the surf board at the end of the summer once the ocean has warmed up a bit. She is a fish (note the fin on the top of her head...). I am working full time with the crazy drug-addicted teens and am happy to report that one of my client's recieved his high school diploma last night. I am also in rehearsals for a dance show in Portland, ME June 23, 24, 25. Whodda thunk that a little over a year after all that baby-weight I'd be comfortable baring most of my flesh in a belly-dance act? So that's me and my life right now. Just letting people know I'm still out there. Many of my friends are moving from blogs to "my space" but I have yet to catch on to that fad! As you can see, I can barely maintain this page, let alone a whole other venue.

Simply beautiful...

2005-08-31T20:42:00.000-04:00

sorchavign1
Originally uploaded by Mysterious42.

Mamahood is a tough gig, but when your little one gets more and more beautiful each day, it all becomes worth it. Someday I hope I learn how to juggle better so that I can do things like be a mama and return to school for my PhD at the same time. Although I guess if I never return to school that's ok too, because being a mama is certainly teaching me more about life and what is important more than any college ever could. Sorcha is 4 1/2 months old now, laughing and smiling and responding to the world around her. My heart gets so full every time I see her eyes light up with wonder. I wish I was so fascinated with life at times. She has the ability to contemplate a piece of fabric for almost an hour at a time, putting it down only when hunger strikes, and then resuming her exploration of the thing after feeding. A handful of days ago, she could barely touch the floor with her tip toes when placed in her walker. Now, she makes tracks quickly flat-footed across the floor, and has even figured out how to back up and get herself out of a corner when stuck. Amazing! I am grateful to be a mom, even if it means sore nipples and sleep deprivation.

babyrow

2005-07-28T20:58:00.000-04:00

babyrow
Originally uploaded by Mysterious42.

So I went downtown to a free concert in Monument Square, and for the first time ever, I noticed a unique phenomenon. Babyrow. There were TONS of young hip parents at the square with children of all ages including little babies! It makes me greatful to live in such a vital community where even parents have a life and get out and do interesting things. I vow I will not atrophy and waste away, living only a virtual life through the t.v. just because I have children. These fellow parents give me hope knowing that all this is possible. My wonderful little darling (pictured here in profile) and I just returned from a camping trip at Sebago Lake where we survived mosquitos, heat and humidity, and thunder showers all unscathed. And through it all, she smiled. Some parents have warned me that Sorcha is an easy baby, and that they will "hate to see your next one" because they are assuming our next child will be impossible. Dunno if I believe them, although I suspect that once Sorcha becomes a teenager, she will be quite the handful. Right now though, she is just too beautiful and sweet for words.

Aware...

2005-06-20T09:49:00.000-04:00

eyes
Originally uploaded by Mysterious42.

So it really is true that somewhere around 6 weeks, babies "wake up." Everyday Sorcha astonishes me with discovering something new. Ok, so discoving that one can clentch and unclentch his or her fist isn't exactly a revolutionary concept, but what is amazing is the rate at which she seems to be gathering information. Can you imagine how smart we would all be if we continued to learn at the rate babies do our entire lives?

And so as we continue to develop our communication skills, parenting Sorcha becomes easier and easier. What is hard is when the outside world throws us a curveball, such as being sent to the ER for chest x-rays when Sorcha came down with her first cold only a week ago. The good news is that she is/ will be just fine. The bad news is that in my gut I knew this all along and wish I had not spent over three hours (and who knows how much money) hanging out at the ER just to be told so. Other than this, I have returned to work part-time and will bump up to full-time next week. If not for the cold issue, Sorcha seems to be adjusting to life at day care just fine. In fact, she seems to be appreciating the novelty of the high-tech toys they have there and the change of scenery. I miss her terribly at times during the day, but I love the flood of joy I am consumed with when I go to pick her up at the end of the day. So now the trick is to find balance and not feel guilty about having someone else caring for my child 40 hours a week. I guess it feels better knowing that this is the typical struggle a working mom goes through and that I am not alone in this. Supportive words of wisdom strongly encouraged.

The loves of my life...

2005-05-14T11:40:00.000-04:00

jefandsorcha
Originally uploaded by Mysterious42.

My current favorite photo. My hussy and my baby. I get all oooey-gooey just looking at it. Figured I'd post something that makes me happy on this blog for once!

Topsy Turvy

2005-05-14T11:35:00.000-04:00

notahatgirl
Originally uploaded by Mysterious42.

Well, I do not think I have post-partum depression, but I do admit to riding an emotional rollercoster on a daily basis. Life as I've known it has ended. When I go pregnant, I knew life would be "different" from a logical point of view, but I do not think one can predict how it will feel once one is actually there, actually a "Mom." I still do not know if I like the way my new life is evolving. But who really likes giving up sleep, sore nipples, having a limited social life, and smelling like stale milk? I know there will be better things in store for me/ us, but in the darker moments, it is hard not to think "Gee, my life wasn't so bad before. Why the hell did I go and do this?" Please do not misinterpret me. I love my new daughter to the point it is painful. And this too scares me. I do not know if I like it, but there is not much I can do to change it. Its like falling deeply in love when you least expect it. I am excited to go back to work in part because I know I will appreciate my time with her more. The flip side is that the idea of someone else caring for this tiny girl, who still feels like a part of my own body, is devastating. I got a tour of a child care facility yesterday and started crying when I thought about leaving her there (even though the facility is one of the best I've seen). The thought of leaving her anywhere, even here at home, while I go elsewhere is weird. I am hoping my work place will be agreeable to allowing her to come to work with me at least part-time. She loving riding around in her sling going every where I go. Anyway, suddenly everything is so much more complicated. I miss easy. I hope some day to have easy again. At least for a little while...

Anyway, this is a picture of Miss Sorcha Isis Jade at 3 weeks old, wearing a hat my friend Inge knit for her. She was born April 15, 2005 by cesarean at Mercy Hospital. Perphaps, at some point in the near future, I will blog in a bit more detail about her birth. For now, I just had to share some of my current existential funk with the world.

Two days until due date...

2005-04-12T16:02:00.000-04:00

babyblues
Originally uploaded by Mysterious42.

and I am getting rather impatient. I have gained over 50 pounds and it feels like there is a hive of bees that have taken up permanent residence in my finger tips. Everyday it seems I get more tired and clumsy. If late pregnancy feels this crappy, I wonder what postpartum will feel like? Anyway, here's a picture I took of my toro the other day. I thought the composition was nice and worth posting. I keep challenging myself to write a 101 list about the positives about being pregnant, but I just can't seem to get past the "I'm too tired to think" stage. Words of encouragement are always appreciated.

101 reasons I have stopped blogging lately...

2005-03-27T22:32:00.000-05:00

101. I have often found myself to be annoyed SPEECHLESS lately.
100. The life-form developing inside me has left me perpetually EXHAUSTED.
99. I am too busy turning SUMMERSAULTS in the public pool trying to get this baby to stand on its head.
98. I prefer READING blogs to writing them.
97. My eyes HURT.
96. CARTOONS are more fun.
95. I fear HECKLING.
94. Besides eating, sleeping, working, and attending prenatal appointments, I do not really do MUCH.
93. Pregnancy INDUCED carpal tunnel makes it hard for me to type.
92. Blogging makes me THINK too much.
91. Does ANYONE read this anyway???!
90. Because I always sound like a BITCH in my blogs.
89. Or at the very LEAST, like a big whiner.
88. Its hard to type and EAT at the same time.
87. Everyone else has ALREADY said it all anyway.
86. Sometimes I just FORGET I have a blog.
85. I am too TIED UP with frequent trips to the bathroom.
84. My BELLY gets in the way of the keyboard.
83. I am too busy researching birth HORROR stories (and wondering if they will happen to me???!).
82. It doesn't feel PRODUCTIVE.
81. Nobody asked me WHY I stopped, so I figured why bother?
80. All my creative POWER was absorbed by the Baby-Q I just threw.
79. Because Elvis is DEAD dammit.
78. Cuz Bush is still PRESIDENT.
77. "If you don't have anything NICE to say, say nothing at all."
76. Time is a precious COMMODITY.
75. TIME is money?
74. Because I DISBELIEVE that you are still reading this!
73. I got LOST.
72. Because if all my friends JUMPED off a bridge...nah, scared of heights.
71. The brain SUCKER came for me in the night.
70. I got AMNESIA.
69. I can't REMEMBER why.
68. Too busy BREATHING.
67. I am still ADJUSTING to my new body, let alone a new blog!
66. What happens around here that's WORTH writing about?
65. Because, like this list, it takes too LONG.
64. SATAN told me too.
63. For absolutely no APPARENT reason.
62. I'm playing HARD to get.
61. I like BEING coy.
60. To remain WILD and unpredictable.
59. Because my INSPIRATION flew to the west coast.
58. Because the SUN has been out.
57. Why ASK why?
56. Too LITTLE time on my hands.
55. Cuz I'm just not one of the COOL kids.
54. Rebellion AGAINST peer pressure?
53. Kermit TOLD me too.
52. Because we will ALWAYS have tomorrow.
51. Why do today what can be put off until TOMORROW?
50. Because I need not JUSTIFY my actions to anyone.
49. My shoes are too TIGHT.
48. My blood pressure is too HIGH.
47. I have gained at least 15 pounds in FLUID in the last two months.
46. I'm feel AMPHIBIOUS.
45. I'm feel AMBIGIOUS.
44. I'm feeling AMBIDEXTEROUS (not).
43. Because I don't FUCKING care.
42. The MEANING of life, the universe, and everything.
41. Because I just CAN'T drink coffee the way I used too.
40. Because I can no longer SMOKE.
39. I feel MUSHY.
38. I CRY over dumb commercials.
37. I am in a PERPETUAL state of confussion.
36. Because of the CONTRACTIONS.
35. I'm just not GEEKY enough.
34. I'm SHY.
33. I'm a LIAR.
32. I'm only a part-time EXHIBITIONIST.
31. I'm feeling INHIBITED.
30. Because I cannot get DRUNK.
29. Too many SOCIAL obligations.
28. Because I'm BORED.
27. I'm LAZY.
26. I'm CRAZY.
25. Reality is HAZY.
24. DUCK.
23. DUCK.
22. GOOSE.
21. There is such thing as too much of a GOOD thing.
20. Not enough RANDOM chaos in my life.
19. I don't get PAID to blog.
18. Keeping it REAL.
17. Too much SADNESS in the world.
16. ENTROPY has taken over.
15. I'd rather be DANCING.
14. Blogging just isn't all that SEXY.
13. Because I'm feeling LUCKY.
12. Yo no hablo INGLES.
11. WAITING for Godot.
10. I have a one track MIND.
9. If it isn't related to BABY, it does not exsist in my world.
8. I am just a FIGMENT of your imagination.
7. YOU are just if figment of my imagination.
6. Maybe I'm only IMAGINING that I have not blogged in almost a month.
5. Freedom of CHOICE.
4. I PLEAD the Fifth.
3. The Federal PRIVACY Act.
2. The Homeland SECURITY Act.
1. Just BECAUSE.

So, I hope that explains it. Holler it you missed me.

The Dance of the Mad Woman

2005-03-02T08:20:00.000-05:00

illusion
Originally uploaded by Mysterious42.

I stared into the eyes of a Mad Woman
And do you know what she asked of me?
"How far will you take your anger?
Do you know how to set yourself free?"

I ignored her, and shoved her memory
To the dark corners of my mind
Into places that were eerily vacant.
And went back to my daily grind.

She laughed at me and shook her head
Danced a jig in the dewy, green grass.
She roared with the force of a thousand lions
"You cannot dismiss me so fast!"

But I typed away at my little gray desk,
Head throbbing like a brass quintet,
Anger prickling me from way down deep
Though I was not quite aware of it yet.

I was too busy trying to be perfect,
Trying to do every little thing right.
But inside me grew a mad woman
And she was spoiling for a fight.

"When you were just a girl," she cried
"Someone did you very wrong,
Hurt you in unspeakable ways
Stealing your light and your song."

She showed me the scars on her body,
The scars that were actually mine,
From a time I would not remember,
And I was no longer "just fine."

My perfection had left me broken.
I had never learned how to forgive
Myself for the actions of others.
I had never quite learned how to live.

Many years I lived feeling nothing,
No sadness, no anger, no pain,
No joy, no pride, and no pleasure.
Those years I was truly insane.

So I took up the hand of the Mad Woman
As sister, as friend, as Me.
I released my fear and my anger.
The Mad Woman had set me free.

Inside me, there lives a Mad Woman.
She rages and dances and sings.
Sometimes I keep her quiet,
But through her my freedom rings.

Do you know where you keep your crazy?
Can you feel her down deep inside?
Do you ever show her to the world?
Or always just make her hide?

In answer to AZ, yes, I have alot of angry (or at the very least, cranky) inside me. But I have lots of happy too! This poem is an oldy of mine, but hopefully, with it staring back at me from my blog, I will be inspired to write more.

Puffy...

2005-02-24T07:49:00.000-05:00

I know why I have not been able to write lately. Water on the brain. One of the various features of pregnancy that I have been lucky enough to experience is water retention. In one week I gained five pounds. This may seem like no big deal (aka suck it up lady, you're pregnant) but during said week I also went up a shoe size and seem to have semi-permanently lost feeling in my right middle finger. I already love my unborn baby, but I am starting to feel rather impatient to get my body back for personal use as I see fit (a beer and a cigarette anyone?). I feel like an almost over-loaded cargo truck. And I still have over a month to go! On the upside, maybe now I can get away with flipping people off on a regular basis. "Oooh! Did I do that? Sorry. No feeling in that finger. And isn't it a lovely shade of blue?" Some day. Some day I promise to write a happy little blog. But I don't think that day will come until about April 14th (due date). In other baby-related news, Mom continues to stall on arranging baby shower due to extended family drama, and thusly hussy and I have decided to host a Baby-Q (barbecue) on Saturday March 26th. No babies will be harmed during this event, but there should be plenty of beef, beer, and boys to make this Mama feel happy. Details will follow.

Where is my muse???

2005-02-15T09:09:00.000-05:00

I used to fancy myself quite the writer. I would wake up in the middle of the night from dreaming poetry, song lyrics, or even frequently a term paper that was due. I would not be able to get back to sleep until I jotted it down, or at least the bones of it. I have not had these kinds of dreams in years. It makes me quite sad. I often wonder if what I have heard about artists and angst is true, and wonder if maybe I do not have enough angst in my life these days? I need to be more conflicted and pissed off. But I'm not. I'm comfortable. I like my job, like my home, and love my hussy. I get mad about some of the things I see going on in the larger world around me, but I often do not feel directly effected by them; and even more often than this, I feel that there is nothing I can do about it, so why bother? I want to shake my apathy, but I have not found a reason to. I am hoping that having a child may bring back some of the child-like wonder that I am currently missing, or at least give me more of a reason to fight for a better world. Then again, if I suddenly become a fountain of flowing words, will anyone else care or listen? And why does this matter to me? I just want to feel juiced, creative, and alive. Not like I am merely comfortably exsisting. So if anyone has seen my muse, would you let her I know I miss her?

Baby Showers

2005-02-09T09:26:00.000-05:00

BABY PICS_44
Originally uploaded by Mysterious42.

The latest stressor in my life is the fact that my mother is planning for me a baby shower. In many ways, I feel that my mother does not really know me all that well and has some misperceived notions aboout me and my world. The last thing I want to try to do is explain these things to her, but I do this more often than not anyway. Why is the baby shower a stressful thing for me? Well, partly because I do not have all that many female friends. I know many females, but I am not sure how many of them I would truly call friends. Most of them I merely tolerate. This has been my way with females for most of my life. And what is more symbolic of femaleness than a pregnancy? Hence, baby showers by tradition are a reason for a gal and her female pals to celebrate. Part of what makes me cringe in thinking about this is that it all seems so contrived! If I had a baby shower my way, there would be beer (not for me), junk food (ooo grilled beef!), loud music, MEN and women, and art. I want to do a belly casting and have all my friends contribute a "piece" to it before I seal it up permanently (painting, drawing, collage, etc). For this baby shower, I'd even tolerate the usual barrage of birth horror stories and warnings about spoiling kids (I'm getting used to hearing it). I just want everyone to have a good time. I do not know if this baby shower will happen for me. Doubtful. So I told my mother to simply plan one in the more traditional manner for my family only since they are more likely than I to be let down if there is no baby shower. I just feel so awkward eveytime someone asks me "When is your baby shower?" As I have told many people about this birth and pregnancy stuff (and all the tradition that comes with it), if I could, I would go into a cave and not come out until the baby is BORN. Maybe I'm just a wee bit too independent. Ah well, I'm sure that is going to have to change once baby arrives. It will be interesting to see what parts of my personality are highlighted by becoming a parent. I hope I still like who I am. Nuf ranting for today.

Blog Wars...

2005-02-03T08:37:00.000-05:00

This is a subject that has been kicking around in my head for about a week now, so happily I now expunge it from my brain. Last weekend, my hussy and a friend became embroiled in a blog war. This bugged me to no end in that, much like the Iraq War, I could find no real substance upon which the battling was based. I understand that arguing for arguing's sake can be fun, but this had an edge of meanness and had turned personal. To be honest, I do not remember the crux of the arguement, only that it was socio-political in nature, with responses posted be each calling each other a "theif" and "misguided" (and some other stuff I'm sure I cannot, or do not want to, remember). It was not a long war. I think only a day and 1/2 in duration. But it was enough to make me feel like the Red Cross giving aid to the wounded. I am relieved to say that the two major nations have since agreed to disagree and the war (at least for now) is over. I am glad that it fizzled when it did because I could see some long term implications if one party or the other had decided to continue to push the battle. Maybe I am too much of a cynic, but I just don't see blogging as a way to change the world. I guess this is why I kinda think of their war of words as foundationless. It is nice to put your ideas out into space, but I do not think one should have any expectations about what will happen to those words. This is particularly true and most difficult when it is your friends who are the most avid readers of your blog. This, in part, is what has made blogging an issue for me, and relates to a subject thread in Psichron's blog about "being yourself." I do not feel I can fully "be myself" on a blog that I know people I know are going to read. Its just not worth the fighting. If I put out into the world the contraversial bits about myself, my thinking, my world, I am opening myself up for attack (or comment) by those who mean a good deal to me. I guess I'd rather do this in metered doses face-to-face where they have to reply to me immediately and not avoid responding to my post for hours or days, leaving me to have all kinds of crazy thoughts. Hell, maybe someday I will have the courage to blog about all the thing that currently strike me as TMI for other people to have. Until then, I'll just save this space as a place to rant from time to time.

Life and Death

2005-01-29T09:47:00.000-05:00

Me and my hussy (short for husband) went and saw a movie last night. I picked "Million Dollar Baby" over "Neverland" because honestly I was not in the mood to think all that much. However, the movie was not nearly as light and fluffy as I thought it would be, and hussy and I left the movie theater in deep discussion about life and death, mainly euthanasia. I made the mistake of proclaiming that I would never be able to be "the one that pulled the plug." I think this may have frightened him a bit since he believes it is unfair to keep someone alive who is suffering, why not pull the plug and give that person a chance to start over? I did my best to try and assure him that if it were he who was suffering, I would respect his wishes and find someone who would do as he requests, it just would not be me. At this point, he began to argue about how I should view such an act as a good thing, that it would be a release, etc. Logically, this is an easy point to understand, but emotionally I know how I am, and if I did such a thing I would go psycho (more than I am already) with guilt and "what ifs?" I also tend to believe in fate, toward which he countered, "So what? It would be my fate to be a vegetable?!" and against which I could not come up with a reply. Or maybe it is that I am also the eternal optimist, thinking that "someday" medicine will be able to help the person, "someday" the person could wake up from the coma, etc. If it were me, I don't think I could ask some one to kill me no matter how much pain (emotional or physical) I was in. It is not a burden I could place on someone else. Even if the person does not view it as a burden, it is not something I would or could ask. Maybe my hussy is right and I am a passive person that tends to let life "happen" to me. I guess I prefer to call it "going with the flow."

Pregnancy...

2005-01-25T09:22:00.000-05:00

lisa6months
Originally uploaded by Mysterious42.

Nothing brings out conventional wisdom in people more than seeing a pregnant lady. Especially if said pregnant lady is doing something unconventional, for instance dressing sexy and dancing hard to gothic-industrial music. Even the most gothiest of goths and industrial of industrialists seem to be able to expound extemporaneously on this subject (in rather conventional terms, ironically) although most of them have no personal experience in the matter. One would think that in a gay club, on Gothic-Industrial Dance Night, one would be safe from convention. My point is if I have to hear "Take your prenatal vitamins" one more time from some well-meaning nobody (or even a SOMEBODY for that matter), I am going to scream. And since my baby can now hear, according to these wise ones (and the many books I've read), I do not think my future daughter would enjoy this experience. Please, do not make me commit child abuse before my child is even born. Leave me and my body alone. Believe it or not, I know what I am doing.

God-Damned peer pressure...

2005-01-23T10:48:00.000-05:00

So I've been purusing the blogs of some friends, mainly to be able to hold informed conversations in group gatherings when one or the other asks, "Have you read my latest post?" or "What do you think about the end of the world as we know it?" ( a common topic amoungst my friends). Today, I decided I would actually submit a comment on a post, mainly because I found it to be a very intellegent and philosophical post, but partly to prove that I, myself, actually do visit these blogs and do not rely soley on second hand accounts from my blog-addicted husband. So as I attempted to create a user account for myself, so that all can see that it is indeed ME who is posting, I ended up creating L-Space, my very own blog. Yikes! Not what I intended. I still have not posted my reply to my friend as now I am very much wrapped in my own thoughts about how the hell I got here. Is blogging a fad or the way of the future? Certainly seems more stimulating that TV and much more intellegent than chat rooms. Whose to say? But I'm here now and I guess I shall enjoy it for what it is. L-Space (a not terribly well thought out title, yet likely to suit this blog perfectly) is representative of the space where things that cannot be found vanish into (Lost Space), and also short for Lisa Space, since that is my given name. I am on vacation from work this week so I should actually have time to come back and set up this blog in a more interesting and user friendly manner in the very near future. For now, I must validate my existance in the world of my blogger buddies and post that damned reply before I forget what it was I was going to say...